DREAMS, NOT SCHEMES

Ambivalence Disconnected From Erotic Adventures

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Ambivalence

Regarding afterlife

As I roll through more and more “friends” who are no longer friends and as I have dreams about people I once loved who killed themselves, I become more and more ambivalent about death and dying and about life.

I am pretty sure that when one dies, the lights go off and you aren’t even there to notice. Pretty sure, but ambivalent — Do I want this to be the way it is, or do I wish it could be the way deeply comforted Christians are convinced it is?

It’s okay to be unsure of what it is that you want.

In my dream, last night, Stephanie (who killed herself a half-decade ago) and I, seemed happy to see one another again. But then she hurried away and didn’t even bring the drinks my friends and I had ordered (she was our server — only she really wasn’t and couldn’t be because she was dead).

I’d ordered a Moscow Mule and was disappointed that I didn’t get it. On the other hand, I felt pretty confused about seeing Stephanie again — ambivalent I suppose.

I dunno. Life is tricky.

Maybe being ambivalent is the best we can do. I dunno.

It was nice, however, to see “Steffi” again even if she did kill herself without saying goodbye.

Jesus Trash
Photo of my pal Stephanie and I, a couple of years before she killed herself
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