Christian Email Response About Commenting
I warned Christians on my website contact form their emails would be subject to publication. Hopefully, they are not quite as illiterate as I believe and read the warning.
Dear Christian,
In previous articles, I answered why I refrain from social media, but perhaps the Christian mind is too filled with the spirit to allow my words to penetrate. Perhaps, the Christian only understands vapid adages and idioms. Perhaps Christians, as I suspected all along, do not read. Though all these reasons hold possibility, I still feel compelled to clarify my message and prepared a derivative parable that I hope will allow you to learn.
The Tale of the Custodian & the Dead Christian
While working the late shift at a funeral parlor, a custodian accidentally bumps into a table holding a body covered with a sheet. The sheet slips from the table, exposing a nude man lying on his stomach with a large crucifix protruding from his ass.
Rubbing his chin and frowning, the custodian wondered what purpose this ass-inserted crucifix served. Slowly curiosity moved the custodian toward the anus-probing crucifix until bested by his desire to know, he wrenched the crucifix from the dead man’s ass, which emitted a jazzy ragtime song,
Well hello, Dolly! Well hello!
Stuffing the crucifix back into the corpse’s buttocks stifled the song and left the custodian in shock. Had he imagined the singing gluteus maximus? Had this dead rump actually resounded such beautiful lyrics? Not trusting his ears, the custodian again pulled the crucifix from between the lifeless buns.
Well, hello, Dolly! Well hello!
Having proved the phenomenon, the custodian ran to the phone and called the funeral parlor’s owner, who groggily answered, “Do you know what time it is?”
“Yes, sir, but there is something you must see!”
With much pleading by the custodian, the owner agreed to return to the parlor, and sometime after midnight, he dragged himself into the morgue. “What the hell is so important I had to come down here at this ungodly hour?”
The custodian raced to the table as the owner followed, and raising his hands as if to warn the owner to brace himself, he exclaimed, “Just watch and listen.” He then yanked the crucifix from the deadman’s ass.
Well, hello, Dolly! Well hello!
After replacing the crucifix, the custodian’s eyes widened. “Can you believe it!”
The owner’s face twisted in annoyance. “Let me get this straight. You called me down here in the middle of the night to listen to some Christian asshole sing?”*
The Moral of the Story
Typically, I would not assume the reader is too stupid to divine the meaning of the allegory, but in the case of Christians, where there is no nuance or depth of thought, I feel compelled. You should take from this story that I will unlock the commenting on my websites when I believe one of you idiots has a point or the strong desire to listen to an asshole overcomes me.
Thanks 😊
A derivative of a very, very, very old joke.
