Christian Cranal to Anal Loopback Syndrome

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Christian Cranal to Anal Loopback Syndrome (CCALS)

Overview, Causes, Symptoms, Diagnosis, & Treatment


A chronic cognitive disorder, infecting sufferers with a belief in a mysterious, unverifiable entity, who created the earth and sent his son, also unverifiable, to die cruelly to save the world. Sufferers believe eternal salvation occurs by praying to the entity and man. Left untreated, CCALS sufferers become unwilling to accept facts, excrete toxic mental flatulence in rants about God’s existence, desire to control women’s bodies, and attempt to infect other people with CCALS while ignoring all other real social problems. Eventually, untreated sufferers will become intolerable as friends, acquaintances, coworkers, family members, or live in a remote shack, trolling the internet, believing they fight a holy war against an invisible enemy often named “Atheist, Homosexual, Feminist, Chinese, or Jewish.” Note: all names are often simultaneously used by sufferers who believe a conspiracy to destroy them exists.

  • Very common — more than half of the US population
  • Requires no testing as suffers are easily diagnosed in the first stage by sudden onset of sanctimonious talk, second stage angry online rants, and third stage delusions of persecution
  • Duration: years or a lifetime
  • More common in older Americans but can infect any age group
  • Affects men and women
  • Family history tremendously increases the likelihood.


Exposure to CCALS sufferers, pretending to read the bible, listening to evangelists, entertaining any intelligent design belief, attending a Trump rally, and going to church.


First stage CCALS suffers typically show a mindless smiling they attribute to being saved by the imaginary entity, his son, and an ambiguous ghost that the suffer believes are all the same thing, yet somehow different. In this stage, sufferers often prove annoying with constant conversations about their great church, their great preacher, and how great they feel from being saved.

In the second stage, sufferers show symptoms of frustration with those they believe are unsaved and stubbornness to reasonable requests to stop aggravating people with their holier-than-thou Jesus talk. Sufferers begin attending church more often and socialize almost exclusively with other sufferers.

Third-stage sufferers display a myriad of symptoms, and the following description is in no way complete. Sufferers may become happy half-wits, who despite experiencing no changes in life, irritate everyone with the greatness of their god. In other sufferers, anger manifests into gun hoarding, living in a trailer in the middle of nowhere while waiting for some speculative coming apocalypse, and trolling the internet arguing against evolution, abortion, and liberals. All third stage sufferers exhibit a complete unwillingness to listen to reason or anyone who does not believe in God or Jesus.


CCALS has clear, vast symptomology and requires any two of the following criteria for positive diagnosis:

  • Believing the earth was created by an unseen, unprovable entity based on natural occurrences that seem complex such as the workings of a person’s excretory system or eye
  • Mindless happiness for imaginary salvation after having someone dunk you in a hot tub or pour water on your head
  • Making outlandish claims to prove points such as, “It’s in the Bible!” or “Jesus said so.”
  • Believing evolutionary biologists and scientists are liars because a preacher holding no degree in science says so
  • Believing anything an evangelist says
  • Made their kid homeless for being gay and believes they are a good Christian for doing so
  • Subjecting homosexuals to dangerous, ineffective conversion therapies, believing this course of action prudent based on the bible or a preacher’s word
  • Believes fighting to use the N-word is a worthy freedom of speech cause while declaring BLM protestors “terrorists”
  • Says, “all lives matter” while arguing that Blacks would not get killed if they didn’t commit crimes; attacking Asians as retribution for the Coronavirus; and/or passing laws allowing discrimination against homosexuals
  • Believing the earth is less than twelve thousand years old
  • Hanging around other self-righteous people who also believe in the same salvation they cannot prove
  • The unwavering belief that non-Christians are warring with Christians
  • A desire to end all abortion, regardless of women’s rights or health
  • Believing God charged men with the responsibility to lead women through life
  • Storming the capital or protesting in a belief that an enemy usurped their voting rights despite no evidence while feeling justified in limiting other people’s voting rights
  • Identifying as a Republican, conservative, or Christian
  • Hoarding guns because everyone is coming to take their guns
  • Intolerance to race, sexuality, foreigners, and non-Christians
  • Showing gratitude to God for allowing them to live in squalor
  • Believing Trump is a good president despite all evidence to the contrary
  • Believing rewarding rich people with more financial benefits somehow trickles down to society’s poorest members
  • Believing a homosexual agenda in America threatens Christians
  • Believing climate change is a leftist lie.
  • (See the Republican party platform, call the KKK, visit the Christian Nationalist Website, or attend any Christian church for more symptoms.)


Removing Christianity allows evacuation of irrationality and begins healing cognitive constipation caused by CCALS. However, removal is made difficult by the sufferers’ belief they are good, healthy, well-adjusted people not needing treatment. Early-stage removal of Christianity is more effective than in later stages, which becomes chronic.

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