A Good Christian Education Provides All the Answers
No academic would view your vitriolic perspective with a grain of substance. It is obvious that you have a limited education and scrape only the surface of knowledge. As someone who holds degrees in theology, science, and philosophy, I see you hold only a superficial understanding of Christianity’s history and impact on the world. Without Christianity, science makes no sense and becomes an irrational atheist exercise where the universe popped into existence with no cause. If you were truly educated, you would comprehend the need for God and how Christianity’s history proves that need through the acts of the Savior. ~Email from Christian
Dear Educated Christian,
Your vast knowledge derived from Christian education monolithically towers over me, which until now, I considered only an oxymoronic shadow cast from degrees earned from Christian diploma mills. How wrong I was! Yes, you taught me much in your wisdom-packed email that does not at all assume there must be a God (a Christian one at that) because the true origin of the universe remains shrouded in mystery.
From this day forth, starting right now, I dedicate myself to telling stories that celebrate the institutions awarding scholars, like yourself, with the expert credentials to lead and educate society’s youth for success. May you glean from this parable the tremendous respect and gratitude I hold for you and Christian education.
Dedicated to you, great Christian teacher!
The Fable of the Two Christian Scholars
Once, there were two Christians who studied hard and paid many dollars to attend a well-known Christian University. After years of arduous learning, these students finally ascended the halls of higher education to be awarded PhDs in theology and philosophy: (the only subjects necessary for a God-fearing Christian!)
Upon graduation, these learned men celebrated their accomplishments by treating themselves to a five-star restaurant. There, amidst the murmur of diners, the clink of silverware, and the splash of wine into fine crystal, a polished, stately woman sitting at an adjacent table from the scholars suddenly stood, clasped her throat, and violently shook as she choked.
Seeing the woman in distress, the Christian scholars sprung from seats into action, with one dropping his pants and underwear to the floor as he bent over. The other Christian fell to his knees, grasped his schoolmate’s buttocks, and spread them apart, then firmly and, most diligently, licked his friend’s asshole.
Upon witnessing the scene, the choking woman ceased flailing, and wide-eyed in horror, she vomited, freeing the escargot lodged in her throat. The appetizer flung through the air, leaving her to fall into her seat, mortified yet grateful.
Seeing she was safe, the butt-spread Christian turned and said to his academic, ass-licking pal,
“You see there, Joseph; I told you that hienie lick maneuver we learned at school would work.”
The Story’s Moral for Christians Too Dumb to Understand
Amazingly, you can attend college, learn a bunch of wrong, useless stuff, and still be successful — as long as you don’t mind eating a little shit.