Environmental Science 101 for Stupid Christians: Maybe They will Stop Polluting The World

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Environmental Science 101 for Stupid Christians: Maybe They will Stop Polluting The World

The Science of the Environment for Dumb Christians

Environmental science seems daunting to dumb Christians but this difficulty is due to the words being longer than one syllable and having to under scientific concepts or ideas that don't include Jesus or quotes from the Bible. Clearly, Christians need to understand environmental science since they believe that destroying the earth with oil, strip mining, and many other activities constitutes good business. So ignorant are Christians, they actually believe that pollution, global warming, murdering animals just for the sport of doing so, and many other destructing activities are simply a hoax or liberal environmental fascism (whatever that is).

Yes, that is what the majority of Christians believe, evidenced by their support of their Republican party

The true daunting task now clarifies in the question: how do we teach someone as a Christian environmental science to get them to stop destroying the planet? The solution to this seemingly insurmountable task of teach Jesus-believing morons the truth about the environment begins in the most basic understanding of science blended with the age old reasoning – don't shit where you eat. The following overview of terms will help one gain a better understanding of this important field.

Scientific method

Unlike your stupid Bible, Christian, science actually has a method for gathering evidence and proving claims. The scientific method refers to a body of techniques designed to investigate unknown ideas, create knowledge, and integrate preexisting knowledge. To be considered scientific in methodology, an inquiry must gather empirical, observable, and measurable evidence which is subject to rational understanding. An important aspect of scientific method also includes the formulation of a hypothesis which is attempted to be proven through the evidence gathered.

Yes, you read all that correctly. In science, we prove things like environmental pollution and global warming and just rely on Jesus or a contradictory ancient book for answers.

Environmental science

Environmental science is a multi-academic field that integrates many different fields of study including physics, chemistry, biology, soil science, geology, and geography. The purpose of this multi-based study is to derive a complete overview of the environment, and the solutions to environmental problems.

Notice, Christian that religion and Christianity were not included in the many fields of study. What does that tell you about Christianity, dumbass?


Anthropocentrism is a philosophical view that considers human beings as the central and most significant entities in the world or in nature. This view also implies that humans evaluate reality through a human-centric lens.

Wow, that definition almost fits you, Christian! If it said you see the world through the lens of environmental-polluting Christians, that definition would describe you perfectly.


Biocentrism is a philosophical view that asserts that nature is not merely a resource for human use or consumption, but that humans are only one of many species that coexist in nature. Biocentrism also holds that human actions that harm the living systems that we belong to, also harm ourselves.

Despite your Bible stupidity that tells you that animals, plants, and all other things on this planet are here for your enjoyment, you are wrong! What gives you the right to rape the planet and kill other species? Oh, the Bible, makes perfect sense.


Dualism is often referred to the dichotomy that exists between the “subject” (observer) and the “object” (the observed). Dualism shows that there is an inherent flaw in science as it is always described from one perspective sort of like Christians dichotomy between the Christian view and the reality of the world.


Ecocentrism is a philosophical term that refers to a value system that is centered on nature, rather than on humans. In your case, Christian, you may want to expand your view beyond a Christian-centered worldview since it causes you to rape the planet.


Ecology is the scientific study of the relation of living organisms to each other and their surroundings. Yes, Christian, Ecology is an actual science not just you pretending God made the whole world for your enjoyment.


Ecophilosophy shouldn't be too difficult of a concept for Christians because it is a philosophical perspective that regards humanity as a part of nature, as an integral element of the evolutionary process that drives the universe from matter to life, to consciousness, and ultimately to the divine. This is closely related with concepts, such and Deep Ecology and has almost religious implications. See, environmentalism has its own horse shit similar to Jesus-thinking. 


Ethics, or moral philosophy is the branch of philosophy that addresses questions about morality. Ethics strives to determine concepts such as good and evil, right and wrong, virtue and vice, justice, etc. For example, polluting the earth is wrong because Jesus and God said you can do what you want with it, because ultimately, you will everyone including yourself.


Hedonism is a school of thought which argues that pleasure is the only intrinsic good. This school of thought is often used to evaluate actions in terms of how much pleasure and how little pain they produce. In the simplest terms, a hedonist strives to maximize pleasure and decrease pain.

Hedonism's application to environmental science might seem difficult, Christian, but an easy way to understand this concept is to think of when you smashed phone because the neighbor you have been cheat on your spouse with keeps calling at night and you would rather waste a perfectly good phone than have your spouse see the messages. 


Holism is a philosophical concept that posits the system as a whole has emergent properties and behaviors that cannot be reduced or explained by its component parts alone. Rather, the whole determines how the parts act and interact. Thus the whole is more than the sum of its parts.

Bible + Jesus + Prayer ≠ intelligence about the environment.


Individualism is a moral, political, or social philosophy that emphasizes the moral value of the individual. Individualists advocate for the pursuit of one’s own goals and desires and for the independence and self-reliance of the individual. Individualists also oppose most forms of external interference with one’s own interests, whether by society, family, or any other group or institution.

Individualism seems contradictory to your beliefs Christian and maybe this is why as a group you feel that destroying the environment is your right. To understand individualism just try to imagine for a moment that there is no Jesus, no God, and the Bible is bullshit and that you have the right to life because you are worth that life. Now, try to imagine some asshole screaming about the environmental liberal lie and blaming you for making up the environmental crisis that is currently you. 


In philosophy, the theory of materialism holds that the only thing that exists is matter; that all things are composed of material and all phenomena (including consciousness) are the result of material interactions. In other words, matter is the only substance.

Christian, don't worry. Materialism is easy to understand. Imagine that the President you voted for and got elected decided to reduce the EPA's restrictions on business. Now, imagine a tuna is swimming through the water and eats a bunch of mercury that some business through in the ocean because, as the Christians say, "Business is business!" Now, imagine you make your kid a tuna sandwich for lunch and he eats it and dies from mercury poisoning.  No matter how much you pray to your immaterial God, your kid will still be dead because his is material and the poison was material. 


Metaphysics is a branch of philosophy that attempts to explain the fundamental nature of being and the world. It should be noted this terminology is not easily defined and has become overused to point of having little meaning. For example, while philosophers argue metaphysical ideas Christians love arguing metaphysics because it is only in this unreal realm that they can argue the stupidity of their religion, that they swear is a loving, selfless belief, while simultaneously destroying the environment with business activities.


Minimalism describes movements, in various forms of art and design, especially visual art and music, where the work is stripped down to its most fundamental features. In conservation and in ecology the concepts often refer to living in a manner which uses resources sparingly.

Like stop printing millions of Bibles per year and destroying trees just so you can never read these resource wasting books.


Monism is a philosophical position that maintains the existence of a single, unified reality or principle in a domain of inquiry, contrary to the apparent plurality and diversity. For example, some philosophers may argue that the universe is ontologically one, despite its manifold appearances and differences; or theology may endorse the view that there is a single God, with various manifestations in different religions.

This is a fancy way of saying you believe a religious goulash that allows you to prove anything by mashing and mixing ideas like justifying the destruction of the environment that supposedly God created.

Ethical extensionism

Ethical extensionism is a philosophical position that advocates for expanding the scope of moral consideration to include things (animals, plants, species, the earth) that are usually not regarded as having moral worth.

Clearly, not extending morality to the planet has in no way caused environmental damage. No, only Christians have moral standing.


Pluralism is used to denote a diversity of views, and stands in opposition to one single approach or method of interpretation. As an example all religions would be seen as having merit.

An impossible concept for the Christian mind to understand.


Naturalism is a philosophy that posits a particular picture of reality, being, and existence that typically excludes the supernatural.

Yeah! Because Jesus is natural! If there wasn't a dumb book telling you Jesus existed, he wouldn't exist.


Normative is a term that has different meanings in various academic fields. Generally, it refers to relating to an ideal or standard. For example, Christianity is the moral truth everyone should follow is a normative claim that is stupid.


Pragmatism is a philosophical movement which claims that an ideology or proposition is true if and only if it works satisfactorily, that the meaning of a proposition is to be found in the practical consequences of accepting it, and that impractical ideas are to be rejected. For instance, believing Christianity has led to adherents believing that all of science is lying to them and therefore Christianity should be rejected.


Relativism is the philosophical doctrine that asserts the relativity and subjectivity of truth and value judgments, depending on the variations in perception and criteria of evaluation. This shouldn't be too difficult, Christian. Relativism can be seen in the way you claim to be caring people but then go into the forest with your guns and blow away animals for no reason. Clearly, Christianity is a relative belief.


A utilitarian is a person that measures the moral worth of an action solely by its usefulness in maximizing utility. Utilitarians define utility as pleasure, preference satisfaction, knowledge or other things. Utilitarian beliefs can best be seen in the fact that you Christians swear that premarital sex is a sin but go ahead do it anyway. Clearly, premarital sex has more moral value than Christian morality.

Environmental justice

Environmental justice refers to the equal distribution of burdens and benefits to groups such as racial minorities, residents of economically disadvantaged areas, or residents of developing nations. Environmental justice also includes providing the opportunity for meaningful participation, recognition or awareness of local and/or cultural issues, and ensuring the capability of people to function fully with society.

Environmental justice is not difficult to understand because Christians really invented the need for this concept by applying racism to law and culture in order to force nonwhites to live in polluted areas by limiting their opportunities.

Fossil fuels

Fossil fuels are a type of energy source that is derived from the natural decomposition of organic matter that was buried under the earth. You know fossil fuels, Christian! Money over environment!

Renewable energy

Renewable energy is a type of energy that originates from natural sources that are constantly replenished by natural processes. Renewable energy sources include solar, wind, hydro, tidal, and geothermal energy. Perhaps the best way for Christians to understand renewable energy is to imagine that the oil in the ground is constantly being made by God, and Jesus is constantly performing the miracle of cleaning the air of greenhouse gasses emitted from the burning of the fossil fuels. See, oil is renewable and Christians must believe this since they think environmentalism is some big plot to make them lose money or some other stupid idea.

Course Complete

You have completed your first course in Environmental Science, and now, stupid Christian, you are now prepared for your next lesson in Climate Change.