Stop Christians from Ruining Your Outdoor Events
Has this happened to you?
Tired of unwanted Christians turning your child’s birthday into a religious revival? Are you sick of hosting a party or BBQ only to have born-agains crash your event?
Fed up with Christian droppings all over your front door, mailbox, and car?
Ew! Christian Droppings. So frustrating and gross!
Of course you’re fed up; so are we, and that’s why Christian Pollution worked tirelessly to bring you the latest advancement in Christian pest control: Christian Motels.
Christians can be difficult to keep off your property, but this invasive theological vermin has weaknesses we can exploit. Here at Christian Pollution, we engineered Christian Motels based on the most important Christian values. Using these Christian beliefs, our Christian Motels trap these social parasites and keep them quarantined for future disposal.
Wow! Tell me more about Christian Motels.
Christian Motels are portable, sturdy traps made from quality materials that you can rely on to keep Christians locked inside.
Christian Motels are easy to set up because we do all the work. On arrival, our professionally trained Motel Concierges unload and place your trap in the optimal spot to catch Christians. Don’t worry! Our skilled drivers can get these traps into the tightest yards without damaging your lawn.
Our Motel Concierges don’t just deliver; they go right to work, baiting the Christian Motel with all the enticements to lure those pests inside.
Our patented mixture of Conservatism, Trumpism, and Jesus is just too much for the Christian, and as if compelled by pheromones, they must enter the motel. Once inside, the door shuts, locking in the Christians.
Our service professionals make sure your trap is correctly working so you can stop worrying and start living Christian-free. Relax and plan that fun BBQ knowing Christian Motels will protect you and your guests this summer night and every night afterward.
Whether you live in the suburbs or the country, the Christian Motel will keep those zealots from ruining your events.
Share one with your neighbors and lower the cost while protecting the community from Christian droppings on mailboxes and cars. Most important of all, stop unwanted, annoying missionaries from banging on doors in your neighborhood!
How do I dispose of the Christians? Do I have to touch them?
Never! You will never have to worry about disposal. Our Motel Concierges return weekly or however often you need the Christians retrieved. Following our humane disposal process, our Concierges replace your trap with a fresh one and return the full one to our facility. Christians are then loaded into containers and shipped around the world to remote destinations where they can harm no one else after release. Absolutely safe for you and the Christians!
Are Christian Motels Child Proof?
Rest assured, Christian Motels are completely safe for children. Most kids recognize Christian Motels right away, but if a child wanders inside, there is no need to worry. Our scientists designed the trap with an ingenious system to allow an easy escape — for a non-Christian!
Order your Christian Motel today!
Note: Christian Motels work best when used with the Jesus Junker.
Original Photos by Alaric Sim, Mohau Mannathoko, the blowup, Sol Jansson, Bradley Dunn, Fernando Venzano, Shaun Montero, Eric Nopanen, Kelly Sikkema, Priscilla Du Preez, Ian Taylor, & Ronnie George.
