“Another Queer Rant!” Says Christian

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Another Queer Rant

That’s not a good rant, Christian…

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Another queer rant! Look around you, and you will see that the majority of people don’t want to live your gay lifestyle. That’s why we are winning in politics and every area of life because good people don’t want to be perverts. They are happy being Christians and not left extremists looking to make the world a gay parade and turn children into queers. You’re the dishonest fascist with an agenda!!!! Woke should be called knocked unconscious because that is what it is to live the immoral liberal gay life.

Dear Loving Christian,
You clearly lack understanding of many things, such as the small populations of LGBTQ that cannot possibly control any aspect of society other than perhaps architecture and design (interior and exterior), in which they appear quite skilled. Perhaps in a small way, queer creativity has gifted me with an uncanny ranting style also clearly lacking in your verbal repertoire. Let’s explore queer ranting, so you may learn.

Queer Ranting

Despite claiming to hate the LGBTQ, I believe Christians envy their sexual autonomy. As one who partook in the torment of Christian sex and frolicked with the LGBTQ, I see why Christians project their envy on the sexually liberated. For so prudish is the Christian that a scandalous evening amounts to doggie style after a can of Budweiser.

Who wouldn’t boil frustration into mad ventilations of total sexual dissatisfaction?

Yes, having sex with a Christian woman is, for a man, a task akin to fucking a doormat as she lays on her back, legs arched, hoping he pulls out to avoid a fourth child before completion of the thirty seconds of designated weekly, monthly, or annual pleasure. Grunts and groans this specimen of alpha maleness, working to prove the beer gut and balding don’t limit his manhood. He works and sweats, comparing her vacant expression to the intermittent moans that appear a bit too mechanical. Quickly he dismisses these musings allowing the family’s twenty-something dogwalker to replace the wife/mother to keep primed his manliness that all LGBTQ everywhere seek to destroy!

Sex with the Christian man is not all yawns and fake moans for her!

No no. The Christian woman must endure the beer breath gasping of his once chiseled physique now kneaded into a glistening blob by the more-than-nine-to-five career and twenty-four-seven kids. The Christian wife doesn’t have the luxury of image-swapping him for the cute guy she nonchalantly guides the family to sit near at church. No, her imagination disrupts with each sweat drop splattering the shirt she no longer bothers making excuses to wear during copulation. Long ago, fantasies surrendered to the love-making endurance test and oral displeasuring that burdens only slightly less when she closes her eyes to avert the lip-smacking, slobbering, bouncing balding head resembling a pig devouring a trough. She reminds herself over and over, clenching gratitude like water in hand, of the blessed life Jesus gifted her for not succumbing to all the world’s temptations, especially those of a sexual nature.

Yes, clearly, Christians should fear the LGBTQ’s uninhibited sexuality: the obvious cause of all problems. For it is the nation’s 7.1% LGBTQs who must be systematically enslaving the people with queerness and undermining the god-fearing with their perversion, NOT the billions of boring, prudish, sexually-repressed, sanctimonious, asshole, hypocritical Christians who believe in a God unconcerned with poverty, war, or any major social issue but takes great interest in proper penis and vagina use.

Queerness is the cause of the nation- no, the world’s woes!

That, Christian, is how you rant.

Jesus Fish